What My Paintings Never Say Out Loud

There are things I do not say out loud.

Not because I don’t feel them.

But because I don’t always know how to.

Some of them are too heavy.

Some too soft.

Some too tangled to make sense in words.

So they don’t come out in conversations.

They come out in my paintings.

There is something that happens to me when I sit in front of a canvas.

It is not calm.

It is not quiet.

It is emotional.

I don’t paint because I have everything figured out.

I paint because I don’t.

Most of the time, I am trying to escape reality.

Or speak through something I either don’t dare say out loud…

or simply don’t know how to say at all.

When I begin, it doesn’t feel controlled.

It can be chaotic.

I have ADHD, and when I paint, I don’t rest.

I become hyper-focused.

I cannot seem to let go of the brush.

Hours pass, and I don’t notice.

Because I am not really here anymore.

I go somewhere else.

In my mind, there is a world I visit often.

But when I paint, I don’t just visit it.

I submerge in it.

Everything around me fades.

Voices become distant.

Sounds feel muffled.

Real life softens… and something deeper takes over.

I paint from feeling.

From things I am living.

From things I have seen.

From things I have heard.

From things I desire.

From love.

From pain.

From questions that have no answers yet.

And in every piece… I leave something of myself behind.

I truly do.

When I paint, I am not just creating something to be seen.

I am placing my heart into it.

That is why it is not easy for me when people look at my work.

I get nervous.

Not just because of “What if they don’t like it?”

But because, deep down, the real fear is “What if they don’t like me?”

Because if someone truly knows how to look…they would see me there.

And that can feel like too much.

For a long time, that fear kept me hidden.

It kept me from sharing.

From exposing that part of myself.

But something has been changing.

The feedback has been kind.

And slowly, I have been finding the courage to step forward.

Not only through painting…

but through writing.

Now I am learning to express what I feel, what I think, what I dream, what I fear.

Not just with color.

But with words.

Because painting has never been just one thing for me.

It is a way to release pain.

A way to pray.

A way to escape.

A way to express love.

A way to speak when I cannot speak.

A way to protest what I feel is not right.

It is all of it.

So, if you ever find yourself standing in front of one of my pieces,

wondering what it means… don’t try to understand it.

Just feel it.

Because everything I felt, but could not say out loud…

is already there.